in a minute

I used to spend entire nights doing absolutely nothing and then still feeling like I needed a break from doing nothing. There was always something I needed to get done and instead of doing it, I would sit on my phone thinking about how I needed to do it. I would check the time, get pissed at myself for not doing it, and then go back to scrolling or whatever time wasting activity. And I wasn't even really enjoying “wasting my time” either. I just spent the entire time arguing with myself about how I needed to get up and do it. And every time I decided I would do it in a minute or procrastinated it, I felt relieved until the guilt came back for not doing it. And so the question I started asking is, what am I actually getting away from? What am I avoiding when I put this off? What am I truly trying to run away from? And I realized that there's a couple things. Sometimes I'm scared I won't know what I'm doing. And instead of being confused for 20 minutes figuring it out, I spend the entire evening feeling even worse about not doing it. So I choose a worse pain over the unknown pain. Other times I'm tired and I know how I treat myself when I do start work. I always move the goal posts so whatever I accomplish is never enough and I move the finish line. And the question that comes with that is, why would I want to start something I won't even let myself finish? And I think after enough nights like that you kind of just stop expecting anything from yourself. Not really in a depressed way, but you stop making the deal. You don’t tell yourself you’ll do it in a minute anymore because you already know you won’t. Its happened enough times where you can’t have faith in yourself anymore. There’s nothing to feel relieved or guilty about.The thing is still there, you still see it, you just don’t talk to yourself about it. You scroll for a while and go to sleep and in the morning you have the same amount done as yesterday. and i don’t know when that started being normal but it is.

~ nazeef
10/21/2026